The Trouble with Tripod

While sat on my sofa stuffing my face full of pizza,I decided that "yes", life was indeed too short, to spend my days updating two identical blogs, when one would surely surfice.

Therefore, from this day forward, no longer will there be updates to this here blog, despite it, 'snif', being my first. And for all future meaty bloggedness, you'll would have adjust your bookmarks to the Live Journal edition linked below (basically because Tripod have made this one all screwy).......

http://leverz.livejournal.com

Tom and Jerry CENSORED!
I for one applaud Turner Entertainment's decision to cut all smoking scenes from fifty year old Tom and Jerry cartoons. What kind of message is this giving to our own Cats?

My cat Tiddles, was soon on 20 a day after watching Tom and Jerry, and is now struggling to quit. The nicotine patches keep slipping off his fur.

Note: Before you ask, I do not and have never owned a cat called Tiddles. Tiddles was merely created as a device for the telling of the above skit. My own cat unfortunately died several weeks ago due to a smoking related illness.

Why can't Duncan sing?
Topic: Pop
Whilst paying a visit to one of the many public houses in my home town the other day, I was somewhat dismayed to discover that the landlord had booked some 'entertainment' for the evening, in the guise of a bald man in his forties (I forget his name, but owing to his folliclly challenged nature, I think it only right to compare him to ‘80s celebrity swimmer Duncan Goodhew, and so merely for the purposes of this article, we’ll refer to him as Duncan), singing into a microphone attached to a karaoke machine for the entire evening. My first reaction, as I entered the pub to the murderous cries of the Rolling Stones, 'Alright Now', was that it certainly wasn't 'Alright Now', and was compelled to do an about turn of 180 degrees, and exit from the direction I had just come.

But, I decided to persevere, reasoning to myself that in an attempt to add some colour to the weekend’s drinking rituals, the landlord had hired out Duncan’s karaoke machine, as opposed to Duncan himself, and so surely anything that was to follow couldn’t possibly be quite as torturous. Not that I thought that the obligatory ‘howling’ renditions of 'I Will Survive' or 'My Way' performed by the regular pub goers would be particularly pleasant, but surely they couldn’t be as bad as Duncan.

Unfortunately, as the events of the evening entailed, I would never actually find out.

And so, as Duncan slipped into his fifth rendition in a row, the pain continued, as I sat shivering outside in the beer garden, in a vain attempt to get as far out of ear shot as possible. If this had taken place a few weeks earlier, this wouldn't have been quite so bad, basking as we were in temperatures hitting the mid-30s. Unfortunately, the British quota for tropical temperatures had already exceeded its four week limit, and now we had returned to the dull drizzly weather the British have come known for. And so it was a close call between hypothermia and permanent hearing loss, but something had to give.

Meanwhile, Duncan's still going, and by this point of the evening he's moved onto a rendition of 'Wig Wam Bam'. Chances are this was the version released by Glam Rockers The Sweet during the mid 1970s, somewhat taking the Red Indian references to extremes, with it opening with the following lines

Hiawatha didn't bother too much
'Bout Minnie Ha-Ha and her tender touch
Till she took him to the silver stream

On the other hand, at times it was so difficult to actually decipher the lyrical content of what Duncan was actually singing, that there was probably an equal chance that he was actually referring to the version of Wig Wam Bam recorded by ‘Riot-Girrrrrrl/ Punk-Pop’ band The Donnas during the late 1990s, which opens with the following lines

I don't want to be a bother too much,
I just wanna be the girl you wanna touch.
You make me cream in my jeans

Had it genuinely been The Donnas version that Duncan was belting out, the general consensus all round would have been that even the merest thought of Duncan ‘creaming his jeans’, would have been enough for the pub’s entire clientele to lose their dinner, lunch and breakfast, not to mention any alcoholic beverages and bar snacks that they‘d have consumed since entering the establishment.

Of course, Duncan’s a pro; he’s done this before. The way he worked the crowd, with many a middle-aged housewife or flat cap wearing pensioner eating out of his hand. His between song banter wass nothing less than 100% pure dynamite, coming out with such lines as

"Are there any Beatle's fans in tonight?"

And

"Are there any Elvis fans in tonight?"

And

"Oh bugger"

As the karaoke machine at one point tried to put itself and ourselves out of our joint collective misery, by blowing a fuse early on in the first set.

The lull was short lived however, and pretty soon, Duncan’s suicidal machine is up and running again, and as the evening wears on, Duncan breaks into a rendition of ‘Angels’, by Robbie Williams. A cringe worthy song at the at the best of times, but somewhat fitting given the circumstances.

Personally, I have never been a fan of Robbie Williams, and find ‘Angels’ the epitome of everything that is wrong with the world, coupled with it bringing back far too many drunken memories of Student Union discos at the end of the night when you’ve failed to pull yet again, and so your stuck in a line with a load of other equally luckless blokes, all belting out versions of ‘Angels’, pretending that they’re actually having a good time.

But then, that’s just me.

As for Duncan, if he was playing at in Blackpool, he’d be so end of the pier, he’d be in the water.

I for one, am the first to admit that I can’t hold a note to save my life, having consistently scored a rating of ‘extremely poor’ on Playstation’s ‘Song Star’ karaoke game, but the difference between myself and Duncan is I wouldn’t inflict my voice on a pub full of half petrified, half deaf punters, for an entire evening.

None the less, I think we can all expect to see Duncan up there with the rest of the no hopers on one of the million or so upcoming editions of this years tiresome run of ITV’s The X-Factor (think American Idol with added Sharon Osbourne). And I for one can’t wait.

Big Bother
Topic: TV
After what seems like almost an eternity, the latest version of the UK Big Brother lurches into its final week, with Channel 4 in hot water with programme regulators Ofcom, after some 2,500 viewers complained to the regulatory board concerning the programme's latest twist of four previously evicted housemates returning to the show. Callers were incensed that they were having to spend even more money on phone calls to stop their least favourite contestants from being voted back onto the programme. And now it looks like Channel 4 may be forced to refund £2.5 million worth of phone line revenue as a result.

Is it just me, or are there not several flaws to this argument. Firstly, if you're one of those people who call up the voting lines week after week then you've obviously got more money than sense. Secondly, by phoning to report Channel 4 to Ofcom, then surely you've just spent even more money on this phone call than you would've done if you'd just left well alone (remember, its only a Game Show!!!!!!!). Thirdly, if Channel 4 do end up having to cough up £2.5 million, then who's going to be faced with the task of having to divvy up all the money and refund the voters? Can anyone really be bothered with the administrative costs involved? Better get those itemised phone bills at the ready people! Here's that 50p you spent in Week 7, Mrs Scoggins of Dumfriffe. And here's that £45 you spent in week 2 Mr Jones, cos you kept ringing up to vote out the wrong person....

Personally, I have only felt compelled to vote once throughout the entire history of Big Brother. It was during the first year of the programme, and it was to stop Mel from being voted out cos I quite fancied her, and of course it was a fruitless task anyway, as the majority of people who do actually call up Big Brother are women, who hate other woman, and only want to keep the blokes in, which is why it gets boring because there's nothing left for the Male viewer to look at.

Shhh! It's The Go! Team
Topic: Pop

The Go! Team, last Saturday's main stage headliners at this year's Ashton Court Festival, Bristol. A gig slightly marred by a) the low volume used on the vocal mics, and b) by the idiot shouting "turn up the mic", continuously, thoughout the entire set, culminating in a fifty or so strong crowd chanting "turn it up" throughout 'Hold Yr Terror Close', with the resultant effect of, ahem, drowning out the vocals.

 Well done. You've just ruined it for everyone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Can we bemoan the death of ITV now?
Topic: TV

Can things get worse than this?

Switch on ITV anytime after midnight, the chances are you’ll be presented with the gurning features of one time Big Brother winner and ex-SMTV Live host (but with the disadvantage of not being Ant and Dec), Brian Dowling, who more and more seems to be taking on the physical appearance of Liberace (except without the piano). For this is The Mint, part of a collection of programming that make up ITV Play, ITV’s fifth channel and simulcast on the other ITV channels when they seemingly have nothing better to show. And in this day and age that appears to becoming more and more, the norm

The strategy behind the Mint and the rest of ITV Play’s output, would appear to be a way of maximising revenue in a commercial industry, where ITV can no longer rely on their main source of income, i.e. advertising revenue, as year on year the amount advertisers are willing to spend for the honour of promoting their products on the nations biggest commercial channel, continues to fall.

So Instead ITV have opted to rely on getting the nation’s insomniacs to phone in and answer seemingly obvious questions for cash prizes. For every person that calls, that’s another 60p going towards dross such as Love Island (even ITV realised they were infringing on the Trade Descriptions Act, and so dropped the word ‘Celebrity’ from the title). And it’s not as if everyone who calls gets to go on the programme. More often than not the caller is greeted by a recorded message that they haven’t been lucky enough to be selected this time, but keep trying folks! While, all the time, Liberace’s insisting people keep calling in, because there’s no one on the line.

And if that wasn’t enough excitement for you, ITV’s Play daytime schedule is then made up of interactive quiz shows based on popular ITV1 programmes. So we get such delights as the snappily titled Rovers Return Quiz Night (regretfully lacking in Betty’s Hot Pot), and This Morning’s Puzzle Book.

Of course, blame for such interactive twaddle should also fall at Channel 4’s door, who beat ITV by several months in launching the Quiz Call channel on Freeview. But even they, so shamed that they were sneakily opted to disassociate themselves from it as quickly as possible, dropping any promotion to it from their other channels within days.

And it’s not just ITV and Channel 4 either. Sky Digital’s absolutely awash with them, so much so that it this day and age you’d probably struggle to find anything late at night that could classed as either titillating or pornographic, as all the channels are filling their airspace with inane interactive quiz shows with a cash prize.

Meanwhile, ITV faced with further drops in advertising revenue, and an ever dwindling share price, find themselves turning to the likes of The Mint, in a bid to just make some money, out of the cretins who actually bother to call these programmes up with, what 99% of the time, just happens to be the wrong answers, until such persons are shocked to find that they’ve gone and blown the house keeping money yet again. Still, makes a change from losing it all down the Bookies.

Cuts in ITV’s drama department will result in less spending on one off shows, and a greater focus on long running drama serials. Great, that’ll mean even more episodes of Where The Heart Is and Heartbeat then. And, oh look, ITV then go and have a bit of a victory dance because they’ve just churned out another one of their Emmerdale hour long specials as an excuse to kill off yet more characters in a slight variation on how they did it last time, meaning Eastenders end up with their lowest ever ratings of 3.2m, because ITV have split BBC One’s audience. Of course Emmerdale, like the majority of the other big hitters on the main channels, have found their ratings in decline for years anyway, currently averaging around 5m when once they’d have been assured a solid 13m.

ITV have also taken steps in dismantling the Children’s production department, despite the launch of the CITV Channel earlier this year. Children’s programming on the main ITV1 has now been cut to a single hour a day (discounting GMTV children’s output), in order to make way for another repeat run of The Darling Buds of May (and praise the ITV Controller, for that).

No longer will they seemingly be able to create such greats as they once did, such as Danger Mouse, Dramarama, Kinghtmare, that computer games magazine show that wasn’t Games Master but was still actually quite good, and Fun House with the mulleted Pat Sharpe and those two dippy twins (okay, maybe not Fun House).

Similarly, ITV have also quietly got rid of their Saturday morning kids magazine shows, thus bringing to an end a long line of (variable) quality children’s entertainment. From Tiswas (admittedly, I think we were more Swap Shop in our house), to Get Fresh (Gaz Top, mullet), to No 73 (Sandy Toksvig, Neil Buchannan, and some bloke who’s name escapes me but definitely had a big mullet), Ghost Train (Nobby the Sheep, and Gerrard, mullet – was this written into the ITV contract in the 1980s? Did they have a sponsorship deal going on with the society for bad hairstyles??), and the aforementioned SMTV Live (Ant and Dec, no mullet, but Brian Dowling, Liberace). And instead, they’ve poached Anthony Worrell Thompson from his Saturday morning cookery show on BBC One, so he can host ITV’s new Saturday morning cookery show on ITV1. Oh well, it’s good to see that originality is still live and kicking.

Oh, and as good as it is to see The Rockford Files back on Saturday afternoons, who at ITV had the bright idea of screening episodes on ITV1, with a start time set to coincide with the final five minutes of another episode of The Rockford Files going out on BBC Two?

And even better than that, as good a film as The Bourne Identity is, was it really necessary to show it twice, back to back, as happened on ITV2 on Sunday July 9th?

So, can things get worse than this?

No actually, I don’t think they can.

Coke Zero
Oh look. A great new drink aimed at me. A Man. I must go out and buy some now, because I find their advertising campaign so pursuasive. Then I too can walk down the street with lots of other men, and have hilarious conversations about how life would be great if it wasn't for dodgy ring tones. And, whoops, better not be the guy with the slapstick "walking into the lampost" routine. Oh no.

I mean, I obviously would never have bought a Diet Coke, as that's a drink aimed at women. Cos the advert says so. You wouldn't catch me in the office on a Diet Coke break, salivating over the window cleaner.

The new home of football isn't quite finished yet.
Topic: Football
As the pictures illustrate, rather worringly the new home of Arsenal football club doesn't appear to be quite finished yet. What with the dozens of men in hard hats, witnessed ambling about. No hurry though lads. It's not as if Dennis Bergkamp's having his testimonial in nine days or anything. Still, if the worse comes to the worst then there's an empty stadium up the road. Called Highbury. Failing that, Arsenal could always do a Wembley and play all their home games in Cardiff.

It?s still No. 1. It?s Top of the Pops? although not for much longer.
Topic: Pop
There was something very strange going on with Top of the Pops last Sunday (04/07/06). Admittedly I can’t say I’ve actually been watching the show that closely for the past few years, especially since it became relegated to BBC Two, although I’d be a bit of a fibber if I claimed to have been more than the most casual of viewers when it was propping up the Friday night schedule on BBC One. But now that the great pop panaethon is finally coming to an end, I thought I’d drop in on the show just one more time.

Okay, I admit it. The only reason I was watching was to see the Lilly Allen performance of ‘Smile’. For Lilly Allen, read possibly the next big thing and Keith Allen’s daughter. She has also been described in some quarters as the female equivalent of The Streets. Fusing witty lyrics and a hilarious video with a reggae beat, ‘Smile’ tells the story of a vengeful Allen paying a couple of yobbos to go round a beat up her ex-boyfriend, trash his flat, and scratch all his records, while the poor fool goes looking for Allen just get some sympathy, causing Allen to piss herself with laughter.

Lilly Allen, was first spied on the debut edition of Transmission, Channel 4’s latest 21st Century answer to the Word, only this time without the forever irritating Terry Christian. Hosted by Lauren Laverne (no stranger herself to axed pop shows – CD-UK on ITV last year, and the aptly titled Pop on five) and the Welsh one off T4 (still, could’ve been worse, could’ve been Vernon Kay). Because this is late night Channel 4, they can get away with the odd bout of swearing, Lilly Allen could use the original sweary lyrics from her song, and Steve Jones could compare the band Feeder to the sexually perverse act of feeding women food until they burst. And it’s all highly entertaining, save for the strange habit of having the vocalist on some kind of revolving platform while the rest of the band try an perform in the background. I didn’t notice this in the second programme, so I’m assuming that the director saw sense and decided to drop this ‘quirky’ (read ‘unsettling’) element of the show.

But, anyway I digress. As it appeared from last Sunday’s showing of the Pops (forgotten them already), they’ve suddenly decided to go all trendy and book mostly the types of bands you’d normally only see on a programme like Transmission, or hear on Radio 1 after 7pm, perhaps in a “well we’re axed anyone, so f### it, lets do out own thing and stop peddling to the Sam & Mark teeny-bopper audience” type outlook. And who can blame them

First up were The Kooks, not a band I’m overly familiar with, but I believe that they may fall into that category of might be appearing on an edition of Transmission in the near future, followed by the aforementioned Lilly Allen, and then old indie starlets Belle and Sebastian. This was then followed by some archive footage of trendy indie dance band Moloko, and then back in the studio for a live performance by Muse – a band once heralded (by me) as the New ‘Old’ Radiohead.

Unfortunately they then went and ruined it all by playing the new Christina Aguleria video. As worbbley and unlistenable as all her other pop records, I’m afraid. And then things went very strange, as they brought on some Spanish bloke called Paola Nunn. Didn’t have a clue what he was singing about.

You could tell that the director must’ve been panicking at this point, so they hastily cut to a performance by Ace of Bass from 1993, when it appeared that the overuse of the smoke machine was still very much in fashion.

Then, phew! Back to the present day, and a performance of Indie Cool from Razorlight, a band who well be most fondly remembered for having a drummer who was the second cousin’s, sister’s husband’s nephew of my ex-housemate Tom.

And then the Top 10, and oh no, they’ve gone and ruined it all by having Shakira and Wycliffe (of whom, I am reliably informed is not the ITV detective of the same name) at No. 1.

I myself am no stranger to the hallowed halls of the Top of the Pops studios, having attended the recording of an edition back in 2001. Back when it was filmed at the Riverside Studios (late of Chris Evans ego-a-phon TFI Friday). Unfortunately, this was a slow week and as a result they had only booked two guests. One being Oxide and Nutrino, part of the So Solid Crew collective, and so probably now behind bars. The other being Jamiroquai, who I managed to insult once filming had wrapped and we were having a few Tequila Slammers and Scotch Eggs outside. Well when I say insult, it was more along the lines of saying rather sarcastically how great going to the Top of the Pops recording had been, and how absolutely thrilled I was to have been within spitting distance of the mighty Jay Kay.

Didn’t realise he’d been sat behind me the whole time, smoking a fag.

Wayne may be fit, but Billie's quit
In the run-up to tonight's match against Trinidad and Tobaigo, it's my sad duty to report that Billie's leaving Dr Who.

May the worldwide mourning of Rose Tyler start now.